you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
its liver damage thursday
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
