Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
