come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
