yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
