Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
