the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
