take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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