Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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