I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
