Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Found your dick twin last night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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