I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I had to cum in my sink.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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