Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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