sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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