you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
