omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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