I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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