i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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