I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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