I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
