I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
