Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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