I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish you could order shots online.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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