Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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