Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
