Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
