is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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