"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
