and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
