I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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