I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
