I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
