I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
True college students do jello shots in the library
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