I am spending my child support on dildos
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
