i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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