am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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