I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
