I think I died a long time ago.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
