She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
