i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
