a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
