So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
