Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
