I think my fart just growled at me.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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