Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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