It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
