I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
