i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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