I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
