I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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