I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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