I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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