He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
