if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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