By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
