just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
