My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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