my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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