I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
