just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize