but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
