i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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