thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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