I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
