my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
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the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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