the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
